Sirius Black suffers from stage fright
by gryffingirl96
Summary: Not quite sure where this is going, probably just a one shot. I feel like Sirius would have been an excellent Quidditch Commentator :) I obviously do not own any of the characters or I would easily be able to pay for University halls.
1. Chapter 1

James trudged up the stairs to the portrait of the fat lady, his broom slung over his shoulder. His legs ached and he desired nothing more at that moment than to slump into his bed, pull the covers over his head and sleep for the rest of the weekend. However he knew that in just a couple of hours he would have to change back into his Quidditch robes and head down to the pitch once more. The Gryffindor team captain Marlene Mckinnon had been forcing them to train harder than they ever had before. James was quite sure that this was because she was desperate to prove herself to be as competent as her predecessor, Angus Wood, who had led the Gryffindors to victory the previous two years. Quidditch was one of the things that James loved best about life at Hogwarts, aside from his friends, but the thought of having to return to the pitch so soon made his feelings of longing for his cosy blankets and soft pillows even more pronounced.

Delivering the password to the fat lady and heaving himself up the last few steps to the common room, James heard a loud bark-like laugh coming from the top of the stairs, a laugh that he immediately recognised as belonging to his best friend, Sirius Black. Upon entering the common room Sirius bounded up to the him, his eyes were bright and he was practically bouncing on the spot, it was at times like this that James could truly appreciate the similarities between Sirius and his animagus form.

"Guess what?" Sirius panted, as though he had just swam the entire length of the black lake.

"You gave Snivellus a bag of cockroach clusters and convinced him they were peanuts?" James suggested hopefully.

"No," said Sirius shaking his head.

"You finally convinced Evans to go out with me?"

"Not a hope in hell of that happening Potter!" called Lily from an armchair by the fire.

"You have finally confessed your love for Remus?" James teased.

Sirius sighed, already tired of his game. "Honestly, so immature", he said rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, in what James took to be a highly accurate imitation of Lily. With renewed enthusiasm Sirius drew a deep breath and blurted out "Markus Appleby is in the hospital wing with a very nasty case of dragon pox!" James assumed that he must have looked very confused as a now exasperated Sirius was forced to elaborate. "Markus is the commentator for house Quidditch matches, and since the final between Gryffindor and Slytherin is on Sunday McGonagall had been searching for someone to take his place and guess who she picked?" He was now practically hopping on the spot.

"Well she obviously would have picked somebody with an in depth and expert knowledge of Quidditch," James nodded wisely, Sirius began to swell with pride. "So I would have to say Frank Longbottom."

"Frank Longbottom?" cried Sirius indignantly, "He wouldn't know a bludger if it hit him in the face!"

"In that case," James said, wearing a look of mock concentration that had Sirius ready to strangle him. "I would guess Bertha Jorkins."

"Are you mad?" Sirius shouted.

"The giant squid?" James suggested innocently.

"No!" Sirius roared, "Me! She asked me to do it! Must you suck the joy out of everything?" With a flip of his perfectly tousled black hair he stormed back through the common room, throwing himself into a chair by the fire with a little huff, and it was James' turn to roll his eyes.

…..

The day of the match arrived and at breakfast James could see that Sirius appeared to be just as anxious as he was.

"All right mate?" he asked, poking Sirius with the clean end of his spoon.

"What?" Sirius said, looking up from his porridge distractedly, his eyes focused on James and he began to drift back to reality. "Oh yeah, of course Prongsie old pal, you know me!"

"Sure that you're not worried," asked James grinning.

"Nothing to be worried about," Sirius replied, in a would-be calm voice.

"So you weren't just fantasizing about everything that could possibly go wrong then?"

"No, why would you think that? I am a cool as a cucumber Prongs!" declared Sirius, as he knocked over his glass of pumpkin juice, forcing Remus to snatch up his books from the table and causing Peter to fall off his seat as he attempted to dodge the sticky stream of juice that was about to fall into his lap and leave a rather embarrassing stain.

"If you are nervous Sirius, then you should just pretend that the crowds aren't there, imagine that you are just talking to us and you will be fine" advised Remus wisely.

"An excellent idea Moony!" James exclaimed, thumping Sirius on the back. "I have no idea what you are worried about anyway Pads, I'm the one who is probably going to get knocked off my broom." James gulped as he said this, catching the eye of the mountain that was one of the Slytherin beaters, who flexed his muscles threateningly and sneered back at him.

…

Sirius took a few calming breaths as climbed the stairs to the commentators seat which was located right next to where all the teachers were sitting, ready for the match to begin. Sirius noticed that the teacher that would be sitting closest to him was Professor McGonagall, the stern witch who was his head of house and who today was wearing scarlet robes and clutching a "Go Gryffindor!" banner, and made a mental note to avoid swearing too badly.

Taking his seat Sirius began running over the names of the members of the Gryffindor and Slytherin teams in an attempt to avoid any embarrassing mistakes, all the while considering how ridiculous it was that he, Sirius Black, the lady's man of Hogwarts and one of the most notorious pranksters the school had ever seen, was getting stage fright. He had no time to dwell on this thought though, as the crowds of scarlet and emerald had finished pouring into the stands and had taken their seats for the most anticipated match of year.

Tensions were running high as Slytherin and Gryffindor were currently tied for the cup. The relationship between the two houses was frosty at the best of times but recently there had been several nasty incidents in the corridors between classes. In perhaps the most severe of these skirmishes Sirius had transfigured the ears of a Slytherin sixth year into a pair of bats wings and the Slytherin had responded by sending a curse at Sirius that caused his body to swell up to three times its' usual size "to match his big head", making him look like an oversized beach ball. It had taken Remus, James and Peter a very long time to roll him to Madam Pomfrey.

A hush fell over the crowd as Madam Hooch stepped out onto the pitch and Sirius continued to mentally prepare himself by chanting Remus' advice over and over in his mind. Soon enough the seven scarlet blurs shot out over the pitch. Sirius pictured himself sitting in the stands with Remus and Peter.

"First out and onto the pitch today are the Gryffindor team", Sirius shouted, his voice magically magnified by a peculiar instrument that looked a lot like what a muggle might call a megaphone. "Doesn't the Team Captain and seeker Marlene McKinnon look stunning in red! Oh and feisty too! I like it!" His commentary was met by laughs from the crowd and a disapproving glare from Professor McGonagall.

"Next we have star chaser and heart-throb James Potter, or at least that's what he likes to tell Lily Evans. Hopefully the Slytherins won't do too much damage today folks, as James prides himself on his boyishly handsome face, what can I say? We can't all be devastatingly attractive and intelligent like me -but seriously be gentle with him people, he bruises like soft fruit-" he was cut off at this point by a sharp cough and a threatening look from Professor McGonagall. Taking her hint he announced the rest of the team members by surname only, although this did not elicit the same amusement from the crowd.

Remus's advice had worked a treat so far, the more he talked, the more laughs he got from the crowd, the lighter Sirius felt.


	2. Chapter 2

The match got off to a rather poor start for the Gryffindors. After Madam Hooch had blown her whistle the quaffle was immediately seized by the Slytherin Chaser, Adrian Greengrass.

"OH MOTHER-" Sirius began furiously, but then catching McGonagall's eye continued "of Merlin that was an interesting start to the game, the only thing that could have made that better was if James Potter wasn't too busy staring at Lily Evans to realise that the match had started."

This caused James blush a rather violent shade of red, Sirius could tell that he would pay for that comment later and also that somewhere in the crowds of Gryffindor supporters Lily Evans was plotting his murder.

"Moving on, let's see if the Gryffindor beaters are more alert. YES! An amazing shot from Gideon Prewett there! Sorry Fabian! Fabian Prewett! Well what can you expect guys? I'm going to make you some name tags. Anyway Roxanne Johnson takes the quaffle!"

Sirius became so focused on Roxanne now that he forgot what he was supposed to be doing. He tensed up as she narrowly dodged a bludger sent by Crabbe and managed to speed straight through the group of Slytherin chasers. It was an elbow to the ribs from Professor McGonagall that brought him back to reality in time to shout "Roxanne shoots and she SCORES! 10 to 0 to Gryffindor! Oh Roxy I could kiss you!"

The Gryffindor supporters went wild. Even Professor McGonagall was too occupied, cheering Roxanne as she did a lap around the pitch, to scold Sirius for flirting with the chaser and failing miserably to remain impartial.

The celebrations were short lived however as Alecto Carrow took the quaffle for Slytherin and proceeded to score. "Oh come on Frank she was clearly aiming left! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME! My grandmother could have saved that one and she's dead!" Sirius's fury had prompted him to temporarily overlook the fact that he was speaking in front of hundreds of people but he was swiftly reminded of this minor detail as the Slytherin supporters began to laugh at his comments and jeer at Frank.

"Now hang on there you slimy gits! Only I'm allowed to make fun of Frank! He's our keeper! I could say that Mulciber looks like he's a few sickles short of a galleon, I'd be right too, but I never would because that just wouldn't be polite."

This certainly provoked a reaction, shouts of laughter from the Gryffindors, boos from the Slytherins, a stern telling off and a severe warning from McGonagall.

The game continued and the Slytherins scored goal after goal, driving Sirius to come up with new ways to disguise his swearing, though he half-doubted that McGonagall would even notice at this point, as she was now screaming and shaking her fist at the Gryffindor team who were playing worse than Sirius had ever seen them play before. Marlene was beside herself, as the score came to 100-20 to the Slytherins she called a time out and descended to the pitch to berate her team members.

"Well that's time out folks, Marlene is probably making some big inspirational speech that will turn this around for the Gryffindors, I certainly hope so because I have bought quite a lot of firewh- I mean butterbeer for tonight and this appalling performance is definitely not putting me in the mood for a party."

Whatever Marlene had said it seemed to be working. Following the break James scored three times in a row and Frank managed to pull off two spectacular saves. "Terrific save Frank! Maybe Alice will consider going out with you after all! For those of you wondering why I'm praising the golden boy quite so highly, well frankly, if his head gets any bigger then we won't be able to fit him through the common room door." James acknowledged this dig by giving Sirius a two fingered-salute.

"Oh really!" sighed McGonagall but she could not hide her relief as Gryffindor continued to make up the points. As the Gryffindor players became more confident the Slytherins increasingly turned to underhand tactics. Sirius roared as Crabbe sent a bludger at Marlene McKinnon but then cheered as it missed her and instead caught his brother Regulus, the Slytherin seeker, who was closely tailing Marlene.

"Haha THAT is what you get for trying to get Miss McKinnon to do all the hard work for you, you son of a harpy! You lazy, pitiful excuse for a seeker!"

"Mr Black if you cannot keep your bias in check then you will not be allowed to watch the rest of the match."

"Honestly Professor I am not biased! He's my brother, I'm supposed to give him a hard time, I'm pretty sure it's legally required of me."

Professor McGonagall glared at him, and Sirius, for once in his life decided to take the hint, however this became difficult when Adrian Greengrass snatched Goyle's club and sent a bludger that caught Frank square in the chest. There were outraged cries from the Gryffindor supporters as Frank struggled to stay on his broom. Madam Hooch blew her whistle and after reprimanding Greengrass, awarded Gryffindor a penalty which James took.

"And it is 120-100 to Gryffindor! Nice one James! Bad luck Mulciber," McGonagall looked both impressed and slightly suspicious at Sirius's restraint. She didn't have time to find out whether or not Sirius was going to follow this up with an insult because at that moment Marlene shot into a swift dive, followed closely by Regulus.

"Oh, Oh! Marlene has seen the snitch! Black is right on her tail! There isn't much in it! They are closing in… come on Marlene, or Black of course, because I am totally unbiased." The last part may have been for McGonagall's benefit but she wasn't paying attention to him, she was utterly engrossed in the match. The two seekers were now only a few feet away from the grass above which the snitch was hovering, they were both flying far too fast. "They're going to crash!" Sirius cried, more to himself than to the crowd who were watching with bated breath. Regulus lost his nerve, pulling out of the dive. The other players, from both teams, froze as Marlene McKinnon tumbled off of her broom and landed on the grass with a thud. There was a general intake of breath from the crowd, teachers began to hurry onto the pitch, but then, Marlene began to sit up. She raised her arm and there in her hand was the golden snitch. The Gryffindor stands erupted in cheers and Sirius fought very hard to contain himself as swarms of red and gold sprinted onto the pitch, grabbing Marlene and the other members of the Gryffindor team and carrying them to the stands where Dumbledore was holding the Quidditch cup.

"And Gryffindor wins! Commiserations to the Slytherin team, I'm sure you tried your best, come on Professor," said Sirius, grinning mischievously and looking at Professor McGonagall, who was blowing her nose into a red handkerchief, tears of happiness streaking down her face, "aren't we supposed to be impartial?"


End file.
